Taking Stock #8: Slowing Down (August ’23)

As much as I don’t want to be one of those people that casually says “August slipped away like a bottle of wine“, it is very much true. I don’t know if it is a universal experience, this month blurring – maybe it’s because things are coming to an end (summer), and maybe because it also signals the slow transition to something else (autumn to winter). I kept thinking about what to write about for my August Taking Stock post but I was coming up blank – not because nothing happened, but because a lot of things are swirling in my head to the point that they only just become one big cloud. I suppose this is how anxiety eats anyone up: thinking too much, too often. I guessed right: the crash came at the quiet, slow moments. This month has been all about re-establishing routines and trying to enjoy my own company again.

“Taking Stock” is a series that encourages us to slow down and take stock of where and how are we right now.

I wanted to originally title this post as “The Art of Being Alone” but it seemed so bleak – and, is there even an art to it? Sure there are days that I actually enjoyed it, but there are also the odd little pockets of my weeks when it feels unbearable. I do this a lot these days: equate solitude with loneliness even when ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’ are two separate things. I’ve done a fair bit of introspection lately (maybe more than the healthy amount, to be perfectly honest) and I realized, all these years, I figured that I enjoy and prefer being alone when in fact I was just more anxious about the idea of asking to be a part of something and be met with rejection. One friend remarked that humans are naturally social creatures; it’s a primal need to want to be a part of something. And I suppose I can accept that about myself as well. I feel like growing up means constantly reworking and reforming a self that you can be happy about – and that means your idea of your ‘self’ keeps changing along with it. Allowing myself that small space of flexibility is one way of me being kinder to myself.

I know I come off as a loner but I am really not, at least not by choice. I suppose I still am that same person that is too anxious to reach out to people most times. But there are also days when I feel like everything seem to align and doing so (reaching out and opening up) is a little less scary than usual – so I go for it. I am mostly looking out for days like those as it feels like an absolute breakthrough every time. It always blows my mind whenever I realize that one simple gesture to one person can be such a big deal to another.

In the mean time, these days, I am trying to rediscover things that I actually enjoy doing by myself: the usual reading, watching a lot of amazing TV series, even cooking and baking! I’m always on the lookout lately for a good recipe that I can actually enjoy, guilt-free, and it is fun getting to experiment in the kitchen for a change. I’m also trying to re-establish walking daily in the morning to start my day. Basically a new routine to ground me. I’ve been doing Pilates more regularly; I find that this is a workout that both pushes me and relaxes me at the same time as it is centered in mindfulness and strengthening. I also did a solo travel to Edinburgh for a couple of days and enjoyed visiting a lot of bookish stuff, restaurants, and cafes. It was still a decent month, despite it all.

One of the reasons why it took so long for me to write this was because I was looking for a resolution for this month: a worthy ending, a lesson, or a silver lining to make sense of this time in my life. One question from Nora Ephron’s Heartburn gave me a needed whack to the head when I read it: “Why do you feel you have to turn everything into a story?“; and I realized that… yeah, I actually don’t have to. This month could only be just that: a month in my life that I initially thought would be unbearable, but just passed by in a blur.

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While I was vacationing at home last December, Pops (my dad) uncharacteristically told me something when I was being very worried about things: “Don’t mind what anybody says. Just try to do whatever makes you happy.” I think about that a lot these days. I’ll try my best to do just that. ⋆｡°✩

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I am Currently

READING Olivia Laing’s The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone, which probably prompted the musings above. I am still in the initial portions of it but it has been a very informative and interesting book so far. From what I gathered, Laing is trying to examine loneliness and solitude in the lens of several key artists, while reflecting in her experience of living alone in New York for a period of time. I was already introduced to one interesting artist, Edward Hopper, whose work I’ve seen throughout the years but for some reason did not pay close attention to their painter. One of his most famous work, Nighthawks (1942) perhaps is the most well-known modern art to paint the “loneliness of a large city”. Morning Sun (1952) is probably my favorite among his works, and I loved reading Olivia’s reflection of the various works of Hopper. Reading about loneliness can be a bit uncomfortable at times but, frankly, I am excited to read how she’s gonna explore the other artists’ works in her book and relate them to her own experience of loneliness and solitude.

WRITING my review for Nora Ephron’s Heartburn and Meg Mason’s Sorrow and Bliss, which I finished this August. I loved both of these books so much. It’s always a struggle to be more consistent in reviewing books but I am trying my best. I hope I could publish these 2 some time this September. 🤞

LISTENING to Wild Rivers. I came across this Canadian folk band the same way I usually discover new music these days, through Spotify radios of specific songs. I can’t count how many times I put their song ‘Thinking ‘Bout Love‘ on repeat this past month till now. I am pretty sure this would appear in my top songs, if not the actual top song, in my Spotify Wrapped for 2023. “It’s kinda like a light went off and now you’re dead set on giving me up” – if I could bottle a verse, that exact moment it hit that line in this song, I would. I hear that one line and my heart breaks in two all over again. This song is from their album called ‘Songs to Break Up To‘ released in 2020, which on its own is a different kind of pain. I also like: Amsterdam, from their latest album Sidelines. Speak Too Soon, Don’t, and Small Talk are up there as well. So yeah, my music is sounding a little folksy these days and I am in love.

WATCHING re-runs of Gilmore Girls (because, hello it’s Fall!). Yep, I’ve succumbed to that cliché but seriously it is really a comfort watch. I recently found my footing again in watching some series to fill my time. Aside from Gilmore Girls, I’ve watched (and re-watched) a couple of things this month: most notably The Bear and Fleabag. Fleabag is a re-watch and I still loved it as much as I did the first viewing. The Bear was such a revelation, though. I didn’t expect to love it this much. Season 2 was a masterpiece – and ‘Fishes’ and ‘Forks’ are two of the best episodes of television I’ve ever seen in a while. I am partial to Forks because it is honestly my favorite episode but Fishes was just… a beast. Go watch it if you haven’t already!

COOKING a lot of fresh pasta these days. I signed up for a pasta making class this August at the Belfast Cookery School and enjoyed it thoroughly. Pictured is the very first pasta I made in the class. It was actually surprisingly easy. It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do but for some reason was intimidated into trying. Once I got over the initial hurdle of being intimidated and actually made a decent meal out of it, I tried it multiple times and I think I am getting better at it. I made classic carbonara using fresh pasta from scratch twice this week alone. I don’t have a pasta machine at the moment yet so I am doing everything with what I have but I still enjoy it. It’s pretty meditative. Standard recipe for one serving: 100g of 00 flour, 1 whole egg, 2 1/2 tbsp of neutral oil, pinch of salt. Mix and knead as per usual. Rest for at least 30 minutes. Then prep (roll, cut, etc.). (Haha am I becoming Rachel from Heartburn? LOL)

FEELING a little bit melancholic these days but I hope I can shake it off. 😅

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HOW ABOUT YOU? HOW’S THE PAST MONTH FOR YOU?

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