[i remember taking this photo almost 6 years ago and feeling like i can actually breathe, for the first time in a long while – in a place that is, ironically, hundreds of miles away from home. i can’t pinpoint the exact moment it started to feel like i need to physically “go away” to “escape” things. because, for me, life has always been like that: as if avoidance is key, as if not dealing with stuff equates healing.
it now came to a point where everything just compounded and my usual distractions can’t cover up the things anymore. sadly, it took therapy to help me start appreciating the small things, to force me to not default to “flight” mode even if every fiber of my being compels me to, every single time.
but i’m grateful for days like this:
when i could just look up and appreciate birds flying by, the sound of bells being tickled by the wind, to remember to stop and breathe. to close my eyes and just take a deep breath… and open my eyes to find wonder and color all around me. and realize they’ve been there all along.
i just have to focus and actually see.
honestly, i’m kinda scared that this feeling has an expiration date. that when the due date’s come, i’ll have to start at square one once again.
but i’m fighting – tooth and nail, even if it’s just in my head – to try to be present and appreciate each step i’ve taken. celebrate even the subtle changes in my mindset. pat myself in the back for being brave enough to confront my demons where the “me” from years ago would violently scoff at the idea of even asking for help for the things she thinks are just “over-sensationalized” feelings.
i’m still threading through rough roads. but no matter the state, they’re still roads i need to take. i’m just glad i found a way to get “better shoes” to walk in – or, these days, a bike to ride with.
with effort, still – but much faster, i hope.]